The story of a family from Vienna
Introduction:
How can young children recount or even write about what they have experienced in the past year and a half? Of course, they can’t. Nevertheless, in my opinion, it’s beautiful and worthwhile for them and their experiences to have a voice and be documented with my help. Fortunately, the publisher shares this opinion, and so I do my best to put their perspective on paper as accurately as possible. To make the interview understandable, I would like to digress a bit and talk about myself, my „health issue,“ and my „awareness awakening.“ I deliberately avoid using the word „illness“ because this has been one of the first realizations over the past year and a half: the thoughts and words we use have incredibly great power. So we pay attention to the sometimes quiet and sometimes loud voices in our heads, and we start by changing them first to consciously formulate spoken words positively. Therefore, the decision was made after the initial shock due to my diagnosis on March 8, 2022 (how fitting – on International Women’s Day) at not even 40 years old, that I would pay attention to the thoughts going through my head and the words I use to describe my situation. On one hand, the expression „health issue“ has an „open ending“ for me, or represents an empowerment to take my fate into my own hands. In a way, it also sounds much more positive than „illness“ and from the beginning gave me hope to perceive my situation not negatively but as an opportunity. Terms like cancer, tumor, growth, and others all carry too much negative vibration, which I wanted to avoid from the start. Not only because of the children, but also for myself. Added to this was a very positive and uplifting book that came into my hands. Dr. Kelly A. Turner’s book: „Radical Remission: Surviving Cancer Against All Odds“ gave me a lot of strength and hope in the early days after the diagnosis. Perhaps even a little bit „too much of a good thing.“ As is likely for most of us, it was inexplicable to me why I received a cancer diagnosis. In the material world, everything seemed more than fine. I was living the dream come true for many people: successful man, beautiful house in Vienna, good job in the family business, and three children. Many would say, „What more could a woman want? Everything is there to be happy.“ But I was anything but happy. I was at the end of my rope, I was stressed and unhappy. Added to this were the SARS-CoV pandemic and the fact that my father died of metastatic lung cancer from COVID-19 at the end of 2020. It was simply too much, and the energy in my body could no longer flow freely, leading to an energy blockage that manifested as a tumor in my right breast. At that time, I was in a constant survival mode, and my life force (Chi) could no longer flow freely. Those are clear words and a very valuable realization that I was able to gain over the past year and a half after reading numerous books, meditations, and journeys within. A rather simple explanation of my „health issue,“ which conventional medical professionals cannot or may not provide. When asked „Where does the cancer actually come from? Why do I have this ‚health issue‘?“ patients still mostly receive the answer: „We don’t know.“ For me, that was not a satisfying answer, and I embarked on a search. I found answers in other cultures. Traditional Chinese medicine, shamanism, both of the indigenous peoples of the Americas, Africa, and ancient Europe, Ayurvedic medicine, and ultimately quantum medicine and epigenetics all have an answer to my question. A tumor is the stagnation of (life) energy, of Chi. A disharmony, an imbalance in the body between Yin and Yang. Ultimately, everything in the universe is pure energy, and I was convinced that I had found my way and received the answers to my questions. My thoughts after the initial diagnosis were: „No problem, I got this, I just need to take better care of myself, find balance, and it will be okay. Let’s do the surgery, remove the troublemaker, and it will be done. I don’t need chemotherapy or hormone therapy, I can heal myself with this new knowledge.“
But life taught me otherwise, as the tumor returned less than six months after the surgery. I once again lost my footing and had to receive another lesson from the universe: the power of self-healing is something special, divine, wonderful, which I simply did not possess at that time and under the given circumstances. My mental and spiritual development were not yet at that level. It may be that someone who focuses one hundred percent on healing after the diagnosis, perhaps going to a silent monastery or to the jungle to meditate with a shaman all day long, can bring about healing through their own power after some time. However, in my case, with three young children, it simply was not possible. I had to realize that by considering the relationship between conventional medicine and so-called complementary medicine (in the sense of alternative to Western medicine), I had fallen into the widespread trap of exclusion. But exclusion is never the solution. Not even for my health issue. So, in the spirit of „Namaste,“ „all is one,“ or simply as the word in Hungarian for health, egészség, literally translated means „wholeness,“ I embarked on a new path of healing through inclusion, patience, and love.
It was also interesting that, contrary to expectations, it was an Ayurvedic doctor who convinced me to accept chemotherapy. He said the active ingredient in chemotherapy, Paclitaxel, is a herbal substance derived from the bark of the Pacific yew. This surprised me a lot, so I followed the call of my heart and changed my treating doctor. He has been accompanying me with a lot of empathy and care since then. Together with a great team, we successfully completed eight chemotherapy sessions and the bilateral removal of the breast with reconstruction. I see my path to healing as a gift from God for a conscious life. In a way, an awakening, a sharpening of the senses for what is important in life, for more balance and equilibrium. Since then, my daily mantra has been „I am healthy and I remain healthy,“ and most importantly: I am now ready to do whatever it takes to listen to myself and to the signals.
An interview turned into three interviews
Originally, the plan was to conduct an interview with our daughter Katharina, but as life goes in a family with three children, it turned into three interviews with all three children. Anyone with multiple children knows that they all want to be treated equally, and if one child gives an interview, naturally all three want to give an interview. So I thought, why not? This actually makes the story more complete. I conducted the interviews on two different occasions. Once in the car with our daughter Katharina and our little son Matthias, and on another occasion in a restaurant with our older son Maximilian. To better understand the interviews, I will provide a few words about the children before the transcriptions and also add some comments after the interviews. After all, they are children, and their answers may not make much sense to outsiders or may only be understood in context. Also, I am not a psychologist. Nonetheless, I am sure that their responses reveal a lot about their emotional state. I just feel it.
Maximilian, the Greatest
Maximilian, as his name suggests, is the eldest of our children. He was the first child, the greatest gift from the universe to my husband and me. As I hinted earlier, I firmly believe that names are not coincidences, just as nothing in the universe is random. Everything has its order. After our boy chose his dad as his primary caregiver, he was baptized with the name of my husband, Alexander. This was hard for me to understand in the background of my own traumas and it took me some time to accept it. But time and the birth of our daughter helped me a lot. At birth, she was given the name Katharina and baptized with the name Anita. Even the meaning of my name, Anita, „the Blessed,“ is certainly no coincidence. Just like some dates over the past year and a half. I received the diagnosis of breast cancer on International Women’s Day, March 8, 2022, and on my namesake day, June 2, 2023 (namesake day in Hungary), both of my breasts were removed, and my new life began.
But back to Maximilian: Since he is our first child, we were able to gather all our experiences with him for the first time. This is certainly not an easy fate for him, and with my current knowledge, I would do many things differently than I did with him in some situations. There were simply too many voices around me; I was unsure, wanted to do everything right, and ultimately, between my childhood and my first child, I forgot how to listen to my heart or my intuition. So I did some things with a bleeding heart and guilt, it tore me apart internally, and yet I thought it was the right thing to do. Today I know, it wasn’t. When he turned two and a half, I decided not to do this anymore and started looking for new ways to accompany a young person into adulthood in a relationship-oriented manner. The search is an ongoing process and continues today.
(Anita) What was it like for you when you found out about my health issue?
(Maximilian) I FELT SAD. (Note: The pain in his voice is audible. But he tries to play it cool with his demeanor).
(Anita) Why?
(Maximilian) BECAUSE YOU GOT SICK.
(Anita) Do you remember how I told you?
(Maximilian) UM, NO.
(Anita) Mhm… and what other feelings or thoughts did you have besides sadness? Or?
(Maximilian) LONELY AND I FELT SYMPATHY.
(Anita) But why lonely?
(Maximilian) BECAUSE YOU WERE IN THE HOSPITAL.
(Anita) Mhm. Now this health issue has been with me for a year and a half, what do you remember most during this time? What moment touched you the most? Or?
(Maximilian) UHH, I CAN’T SAY.
(Anita) You can tell me anything.
(Maximilian) I DON’T LIKE ANYMORE, MUM.
(Anita) OK.
Like his dad, Maximilian also doesn’t like to talk about his feelings. But it is clearly noticeable that the topic „Mom has a health issue“ is very close to him. Especially against the background that he consciously experienced the death of my father in December 2020 and knows how an illness can end. This is a fact not to be underestimated. However, since the treatments are now over and I am back home, I am sure that Maximilian will soon find peace again.
Katharina, the Pure
Katharina is the pure divine soul who came to this earth to show us her infinite love and teach us. She has just finished the first grade of school; she loves to sing and paint. As she is a very open girl who makes friends everywhere, she quickly settled into school. Not only outwardly, but also in character, Katharina is very similar to me. Often she is so lost in her fantasy world, that she forgets everything around her. Not only the time, but also the food or whatever she was about to do. As an adult, it’s not always easy with her. In our „adult“ world, there are appointments where we should be on time and plenty of obligations and responsibilities. Nevertheless, I can understand her well because I was just like her as a child, and I remember that back then, my main goal was never to become like the stressed adults and always remain a child. My bibles in this regard were „The Catcher in the Rye“ by JD Salinger and „Sophie’s World“ by Jostein Gaarder. In retrospect, it seems to me that I failed, otherwise, I wouldn’t be where I am now. But this is my life’s path, for which I am very grateful. Katharina has become my teacher and steadfast companion on the way back to my soul and my inner child. Re-engaging with these parts of my being has helped me tremendously in my healing. Unfortunately, over the past centuries, we have forgotten the relationships with our soul, our past lives, and our inner child. But God/ the universe/ the spirits keep sending us hints and tools. Children are known to be mirrors of our souls. If we take a closer look, take the strength and time to deal with the issues they show us, then we find the path to healing. No matter how long it takes, no matter how many signs our body sends in the form of physical symptoms, migraines, insomnia, and ultimately tumors. The power of decision, whether we look or not, lies with us. So does the power of healing.
Now, back to the interview. As mentioned earlier, I did this while driving. Katharina and our little son, Matthias, were both in the car. When I asked the questions to Katharina, Matthias also wanted to join in. I thought, why not, so he also has the opportunity to say something in his childish words.
(Anita) Kathi, I’m going to ask you a few questions about my health issue, is that okay?
(Katharina) Yes.
(Anita) How was it for you when you found out about my health issue?
(Katharina) Hmm, let me think… good.
(Anita) Good was it for you?
(Katharina) Not so good.
(Anita) How was it?
(Katharina) It was bad, but not so good.
(Anita) Why was it bad?
(Katharina) Well, because I wanted you to always stay with me. Not be away for a few months and be in the hospital.
(Anita) How did it feel for you when I was away?
(Katharina) Just sad.
(Matthias): Me too. Mom had a friend, and I cried, I made a camp, and I cried… Ugh.
(Anita) What thoughts did you have?
(Katharina) I had thoughts… just sad thoughts.
How sad? Describe it…
(Katharina) So sad that I almost cried a little. You couldn’t even see it, but I was already sad.
(Anita) Why exactly were you sad?
(Katharina) Yeah, because you were away.
(Matthias): MAMA, MAMA: I had a friend, I made a camp, but I cried, I’m not allowed to look now, I cried.
(Katharina) Yes, because you were away, that’s why.
(Matthias) I screamed so much.
(Anita) Now, this health issue has been with me for a year and a half, that’s a pretty long time. What do you remember most during this time, what was most impressive for you? Or what touched you the most?
(Katharina) The most beautiful thing I experienced with you, that was the most beautiful thing I have in my heart: it was when we had such a beautiful flower day together. I already said that in the car on the way back: that was the most beautiful day I have ever experienced in my life.
(Anita) Oh, you mean when we were together at the flower exhibition?
(Katharina) Yes.
(Anita) Oh, that’s nice.
(Matthias) Mom, I didn’t go with you.
(Katharina) No, unfortunately, you didn’t go.
(Anita) Yes, we regularly have separate afternoons, one for Kathi, one for Maxi, and one for Matthias. We haven’t had time for a long time, but now we’re starting again, okay?
(Matthias) Now me, okay?
(Anita) Yes, we’ll figure out who’s next. I have to plan this because the holidays are coming up again, but we’ll do it regularly again. Okay?
(Matthias) Good.
(Anita) How was it for you, Kathi, when I had to have my breasts removed or I got new breasts?
(Kathi) That was really sad; I wanted your breasts to stay the way they were.
(Anita) Why, what did you like about the old breasts?
(Kathi) When I was a little baby, I really liked that you could always give milk to the babies. But if another baby comes, then it would be really sad if they couldn’t drink from your breast.
(Anita) Well, but you could drink from them.
(Kathi) Yes, but it would be really sad if with other people, the breast is gone, the old breasts, those were just the best for every child. If a new baby comes and if the breast for a child, a toddler, is not there, that is already really sad.
(Anita) How do you like the new breasts, Kathi? I mean, now they’re still a bit offended and very sore…
(Kathi) Not so much.
(Anita) Not good? Why?
(Kathi) Because it’s not so good. I liked your old breasts.
(Anita) Yes, they are unfortunately gone now, but you might also like the new ones someday, right?
(Kathi) Yes, but I don’t like your cuts.
( You don’t like the wounds? Yes. The cuts don’t look so good. Yes, that will disappear. Yes, I don’t like them. They should disappear. What do you think of my hair? The hair is good when it’s still growing. And how was it for you when they had to go? Really not good. I could hardly look at them. How? A girl without hair! My mom! I didn’t want that at all! I have never seen a mother without hair before, and that’s why, when I saw it for the first time, it really looked bad. Really? OK. Yes! Then the last question: How do you wish our future with me? That you’re always with me, in my heart. In my life, forever until my death. That you always stay with me. But I don’t want you to die before I do. No, Kathi, I won’t! „I am healthy, and I will stay healthy!“ OK? Mom, can you stay here until you’re 100 years old? Yes, I will try! Hurray! But don’t die before me; then I won’t like it so much. You will also be more than a hundred, and then we will be happy and content until old age. Or Kathi? Mmmh. I love you! I love you too! Thank you, Kathi!
Remarkable about Kathi’s answers is her emotional intelligence.
Remarkable about Kathi’s answers is her emotional intelligence. She can empathize excellently with the emotional states of others. This is evident right at the beginning of the interview when she responds with a brief „good“ to the question of how she felt when she learned about my health issue. She probably only does that to make me feel better. Upon closer questioning, she qualifies her answer and talks about how the worst part for her was that I kept going to the hospital and couldn’t be home with her. This was also confirmed intermittently by Matthias in his own way. Thank goodness I listened to my heart and followed my intuition last year in September, and I regularly spend exclusive afternoons with the children. I spend one afternoon a week with each child, doing something they enjoy. It is interesting that Kathi responded to my question about her memories of the past year and a half with the shared afternoon they had. Honestly, I thought she would say something negative, like the loss of hair or the breasts. No, for Kathi, the most impressive or remarkable thing was the shared afternoon. It may be that she automatically associates something positive with these two terms, but it still surprised me. The last two topics, hair and breasts, also reveal her desire for the „familiar“ mom, who is as she was and corresponds to her memories. Concern for an unborn baby, which might not be nourished with breast milk, again reveals her infinite compassion and love, which even extends to unborn beings.
Matthias, the Gift from God
Matthias is three years old and attends kindergarten. He is an absolute bundle of joy. Even when he was born, his eyes were wide open, and he greeted his fellow human beings with a smile. Hard to believe, but in this respect, all three of our children are different: the first child, Maximilian, slept a lot and kept his eyes closed after birth, Kathi did both, as did Matthias. Matthias was again very attentive in his nature and quite uncomplicated. This may also be due to the fact that he is the third child, and I already had enough experience to approach the whole baby thing calmly. Since our children are growing up with three languages, they take a little longer with their linguistic development. Nevertheless, this fact does not diminish Matthias‘ need for communication, and so I was able to interview him as well.
(Anita): So, Matthias, you have to speak loudly, okay? (Matthias): Yes. So, how was it for you when you found out about my health issue? I don’t know… You don’t know? I don’t know… Okay, well, that’s fine. Can you remember? I don’t know anymore? It’s difficult, I know. Do you remember what feelings you had back then? Yes. What were they? Blue and yellow. Ah, okay— Blue and yellow. Your favorite colors? Blue. How was it for you when the breasts had to be removed? I don’t know… You don’t know that either? Do you like my new breasts? Yes. Yes, see! Well then. Last question, Matthias: How do you see our future? I don’t know… You don’t know that either? Well then, we’ll figure it out together, okay? Together, you and I, okay? Thank you for the interview, Matthias. (Kathi): Mama. Yes? (Kathi): Matthias is little, he doesn’t know what you’re talking about. That’s why he said blue and yellow. I know, Kathi, but he still wanted to do an interview. (Kathi): I would never do that. I find that sweet. (Kathi): Yes, I would never do that if I were very little. I don’t know, I don’t know, I don’t know… Blue and yellow.
I think there’s not much more to say. He seems glad that I’m back, and everything else doesn’t seem to matter much to him. Overall, I think we’ve gotten through this time well as a family. We stuck together and were able to experience the past year and a half as a time of change and transformation, despite all the setbacks. Of course, it hurts and is painful when something old and familiar changes, but life is about change, and when one door closes, another one opens. That’s the nature of the universe, and so are we. I think it’s important that we recognize this and learn to walk this path together with our children and partners. At this point, I would like to thank my husband, Alexander. He has agreed to walk this path with me and supports me with all the means at his disposal. Thank you very much for that! My infinite thanks also go to all the people who have thought of me and sent me their positive healing thoughts over time. I have actually felt the energy and still feel it!
Namasté, With all my love, Your Anita